Monday, July 19, 2004

JOShUA kANE

WhAT iS ME?

Now, more and more frequently, a certain foreboding overcomes me. A new anxiety is eating at my soul. Life pursues me every day. I have deceived myself and wasted my time in pointless employment and each day may differ from one another, but in the end it all blends into one. Every day I eat the same chicken sandwich at lunch time, with the same cappuccino, from the same place, every day. OI have become predictable and robotic. I am afraid I might disappear, cease to be me. But what is me? So far I have accomplished nothing. When I look back on my life, I don’t laugh and I don’t cry, I just think that I have been responsible for my own mistakes and I can do nothing to change anything. The past, the present or the future. My emotions are drained. Does anyone know what it feels like to be free, I mean really free?

I am nothing. I am an illusion, I do not know who or what I am. Every now and then, a sudden burst of hope explodes within me. Every now and then, I feel like something will happen. I recently started talking to myself, and soon after that I started answering myself, aloud, questions in my head verbally answered on the bus, on the tube, on the street. People walk away from me, keep away from me, a sure sign of another crazy person in London. But what do I care? What else am I going to do? I hate my job. I hate the people I work for. I hate my routine. I hate the smell. THE SMELL. The stink of my days.

I see the way they look at me. I know what they are thinking. I don’t want to be labelled, not ever. I look at myself in a mirror .I see nothing but disgrace and impurities. Is that me? What is me? I am rootless, I am unknown. I want to be loved. I don’t think I am capable of love. I exist in a life of darkness and I survive in world that rejects me. I used to believe I was invincible. Now I am just invisible. How many other people feel the way I do? I am constantly filled with a sense of dread and a feeling of fear. I feel inadequate, ugly and lost. I am sick and tired of my life. Everything is humming.

Am I so different? Over the years, I have noticed changes within myself. What am I turning into? What have I turned into? Do I have to be like this for the rest of my life? I have no rational answers to give. Frustration may lead to madness. But I am determined to change this. I am tired of living a life of misery. I am tired not getting what my heart desires. I am in eternal nothingness. I dream of constant dark shadows, never moving, never seeking, and never finding. I am lost. Is that me? What is me? I am unknown. I have to get out. I have to escape. I have to leave ‘me’ behind.

I have the feeling that something has been forgotten. They’re watching me. They’re watching me. They’re watching me. They’re watching me. They’re watching me. They do exist; they are real, they’re watching my subconscious and me. Frustration builds until it releases. Push. Push harder. Nothing. Am I really alive? Or is it all false? Is anything true anymore? I am lost. Is that me? What is me? I am perversion. I am rootless, I am unknown. I am losing myself to the darkness and loneliness.

I am forgotten and forgotten I shall remain, until I reach the void of shadows, to the deepest depths of isolation and find myself again. My life is so predictable. Nothing exciting ever happens. My love life is a blank page. Calm down. I have to calm down. Take deep breaths. I have to take deep breaths. Stop. Stop thinking of things like this. From my beginning, I knew I was exceptional. But something happened to change that. I got older. Time sped by. Now I am what stares in the mirror and wonders what went wrong. I long for some human contact. I want to be held by someone that loves me. I thought of calling my mother and having chat with her, but then I remembered that she died. Four months ago she died and sometimes I forget that fact. She has gone and I miss her. Sometimes I think that she is still here, alive and laughing. I am lost. I am grieving.

ThE ENd.

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